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New York Times bestseller! In the tradition of Speak, Amber Smith's extraordinary debut novel “is a heart-twisting, but ultimately hopeful, exploration of how pain can lead to strength” (The Boston Globe). Eden was always good at being good. Starting high school didn’t change who she was. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes. What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be. Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year—this provocative debut reveals the deep cuts of trauma. But it also demonstrates one young woman’s strength as she navigates the disappointment and unbearable pains of adolescence, of first love and first heartbreak, of friendships broken and rebuilt, all while learning to embrace the power of survival she never knew she had hidden within her heart. Read more
Publisher : Margaret K. McElderry Books
Publication date : March 7, 2017
Edition : Reprint
Language : English
Print length : 400 pages
ISBN-10 : 1481449362
ISBN-13 : 66
Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
Reading age : 14 years and up
Dimensions : 5.5 x 0.9 x 8.25 inches
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Top Amazon Reviews
Format: Paperback
This book was very emotional and kept me interested the whole time. The story was well written and the characters felt real. It touches on difficult topics, but it also shows strength and growth. Definitely a good read for teens and young adults.
Reviewed in the United States on May 20, 2026 by Jess
Format: Kindle
Pretty good, I just got uncomfortable by some moments in the story, like her relationship with Josh when she was just 15. Her turning to sex as a way to cope and her self destructive behaviors frustrated me regularly. But I love eden through and through and can't wait to read the next book
Reviewed in the United States on May 25, 2026 by Kindle Customer
Format: Kindle
I don’t even know where to start. Freshman year, Edy, Eden, was assaulted by someone very close to her. It was her biggest secret. Year after year the secret gnawed at her, desperate to come out. This book ruined me in the best way possible. The writing was phenomenal and I loved the main character. This book will forever remind me that you can’t trust anyone. From freshman to senior year she changed completely. I feel for her and I see myself in her. The anger, the sadness, the rumors all of it. Overall, I definitely recommend if you want a good cry!! Will forever be in my heart because this is my first sad books (I know I know)
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Reviewed in the United States on June 21, 2026 by Danielle Cornelius
Format: Paperback
My literal favorite book. I cried so hard, especially because I've had similar experiences. If your an SA victim it could be triggering to read, but it's so worth it.
Reviewed in the United States on August 15, 2026 by Charlotte
Format: Kindle
This is a difficult book to review because my feelings are very mixed. First, I want to say that the subject matter is incredibly important. Eden's story is heartbreaking, and Amber Smith does a powerful job portraying how trauma can affect every aspect of a person's life, her relationships, her choices, her mental health, and how she sees herself. Throughout the book, I found myself rooting for Eden, wanting someone to notice she was struggling and hoping she would finally feel safe enough to tell someone what had happened. My biggest issue wasn't the story itself, it was the execution. The pacing was incredibly frustrating. The central conflict is established almost immediately, but the story spends so long withholding the moment when someone finally learns the truth that, instead of building suspense, it became exhausting. By the time Josh finally found out, I wasn't filled with anticipation anymore; I was just relieved the story had finally moved forward. I was also disappointed by how many important moments happened off the page or weren't explored enough. We never truly experience Eden telling her best friend, we don't get the full conversations with her parents, we don't get the emotional conversation with her brother that I had been waiting for, and I was left wanting more closure regarding the consequences for Kevin. Those were the moments I had been emotionally investing in for the entire book, and I felt like they deserved much more page time. I also wasn't a fan of the book's structure. Dividing it only into Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior year instead of traditional chapters made it feel awkward to follow at times. On top of that, the main story ending around 88% made the conclusion feel abrupt. Despite my frustrations, I never stopped caring about Eden. I wanted healing for her more than anything, and that's a testament to how well her character was written. I just wish the storytelling had given those emotional payoffs the time and attention they deserved. Overall, this is an important and emotional story with a protagonist I genuinely cared about, but the pacing, structure, and lack of on-page resolution for several major moments kept it from being a higher-rated read for me.
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Reviewed in the United States on July 9, 2026 by nadimel
Format: Kindle
I've read countless books, both for work and pleasure. After a while, the plots and characters start to run together, and the stories I'm reading now become no more memorable than the last. The Way I Used to Be is one of the few books that stand apart from the rest. The story follows Eden, a sexual assault survivor who just started high school. Her story is told in four parts, starting as a freshman dealing with the crushing pain of being hurt in the worst way by someone she trusted. We watch as she struggles to come to grips with what happened. I read this book when I was the same age as the main character, and my heart still hurts when I think back on that time. As a reader, I'm careful of books like this because they can leave me feeling drained and empty. I was both by the time I finished, but I also felt so much more. It's weird and rare for me to feel proud of a fictional character, but that's what I was. Eden was so well-written. She felt like a friend I'd known my whole life, or maybe even a part of myself, and when she hurt, I hurt. What happens to her and the aftermath of it was hard to read but so worth reading. As a woman, I've grown up on the cautionary tales of sexual abuse. Where to spot it, how to avoid it, what to do after. Most of my knowledge of sexual assault comes firsthand from friends and family who've experienced it. With this comes ingrained hyperawareness and the naive thought that, despite having never experienced it myself, I understood it. But nothing compares to being inside the head of someone who has lived it. There is so much more that goes on than I could've ever imagined. It was eye-opening and painful because so much of the aftermath is just silent suffering. I can't help but think back to the countless stories I've heard and wonder what parts my friends sugar-coated, or left out completely, for my benefit. It hurts to know that there is nothing I could do for the pain I couldn't see. Though I emphasized with Eden the most, I also felt for her friends and family, because I have played that role before, and I can only hope that I was there for them when they needed me. I think this is a book that everyone should read, if not for the chance to better understand the thought process and actions of a survivor, then for the simple pleasure of reading a well-written, heartwrenching story with a brave and resilient main character.
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Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2021 by Amazon Customer
Format: Paperback
Eden wasn’t a perfect victim. And because of this, her story gives a voice to so many women still blaming themselves. So many women who look back and wonder if the noise of society saying, well what were you wearing, why didn’t you tell anyone, holds any merit? It gives victims permission to share their stories. Even though it was years ago, even though you had a crush on him before the incident, even though he’s well liked by your community, even though you’ve developed undesirable coping mechanisms. I saw Eden as a child crying out desperately for help, and even her most trusted person couldn’t see it and treated her poorly first. I will say, there are some tropes and that’s why this wasn’t five stars for me, but I felt that the love interest was written in appropriately and realistically for someone who’s experienced trauma. It would’ve bothered me a lot if they lived happily ever after. But that’s the thing about trauma; it’s invasive. It stops you in your tracks when you’re trying to live out your life. It shows it’s ugly head when you’re trying to experience the beauties of life like falling in love. People who criticize victims like Eden are part of the problem and miss the point completely. My heart hurt for those that Eden was hurting, I think this brings up an important space to talk about how there needs to be room for survivors to get help and have their voices heard even if you go to the police you often will not get justice. Because when they’re made to make themselves small and hold it in to make everyone comfortable, the consequences are disastrous on an entire community. This book was an important one. I had a hard time getting immersed at first but a few chapters in and I couldn’t put it down. I’m glad I read this.
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Reviewed in the United States on January 27, 2024 by brayden mae maggart
Format: Kindle
Ngl I started reading and got too sad to the point I had to put the book down for a little and then came back to finish it (IN ONE DAY BTW) this book is everything amazing. I 100% recommend. Eden I hold you so close to my heart, seeing myself in you in many ways. You were so strong. I pray for any of those who sadly have suffered what she has and just leave you with a reminder it will get better. Duh there are days where you’re just done and want to throw up and give up but trust it will get better.
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Reviewed in the United States on August 20, 2026 by Mariah Ruiz