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Three Rivers Press

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives

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The cats of America are under siege! Long gone are the good old days when a cat’s biggest worries were mean dogs or a bath. Modern cats must confront satanists, online predators, the possibility of needing to survive in a post- apocalyptic wasteland, and countless other threats to their nine lives. For over four decades, the American Association of Patriots have stood at the vanguard of our country's defense by helping to prepare our nation's cat owners for the difficult conversations they dread having with their pets. Written in a simple Q&A format, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety answers crucial questions such as, “What is the right age to talk to my cat about the proper use of firearms?” and “What are the benefits of my cat living a lifestyle of abstinence?” and especially “Why does my cat need to use the internet? Can’t he just play with yarn like cats used to do?” Our country—and our cats—stand at a precipice. It will take courage, and it will take hard work, but armed with the knowledge within these pages, we can make our cats—and America—great again! Read more

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Crown


Publication date ‏ : ‎ October 4, 2016


Edition ‏ : ‎ Illustrated


Language ‏ : ‎ English


Print length ‏ : ‎ 144 pages


ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 045149492X


ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 24


Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds


Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.38 x 8.19 inches


Best Sellers Rank: #2,947 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #4 in Cat, Dog & Animal Humor #6 in Parody #31 in Fiction Satire


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Top Amazon Reviews

    • This Book Saved My Cat’s Ninth Life
Let me just start by extending my utmost gratitude and appreciation to the author of this book. For years I watched in horror as my cat made decision after reckless decision, wasting eight of his precious God given lives. A tale as old as time...His first life was lost to marijuana poisoning. Second and third, sacrificial satanic rituals gone awry. Fourth life lost after a pistol misfire during a wild western style dual with the neighbor’s cat...(and don’t even get me started on the neighbor’s cat!) In his fifth life he hussled too hard. That one is particularly difficult for me to talk about without triggering a series of violent emotional fits, my apologies. During his sixth life he dabbled purr-fusely as an esteemed purr-fessional gigalo, falling victim to a wicked transmitted disease (Looking at you, neighbor’s cat!!!), the likes of which modern medicine has yet to find a cure. Much to my dismay, both his seventh AND eighth lives were spent smuggling weapons (and catnip) across the Canadian border. My cat, an arms dealer? And smuggling the “purr-p nip” illegals?! I’d just about had it, friends. One day shortly after he’d entered his ninth life, I noticed he’d checked out a book on Satanism from our local library. I’d also witnessed him making soft eyes at the neighbor’s cat. "NOT AGAIN" I thought, “NOT THIS TIME AROUND.” Fearful of what would happen if I didn’t intervene, I began to research diligently for any applicable preventative guidance that might be available to the public. I was determined to secure the purity and safety of my dear cat during his final curtain call in this malicious world! By chance, I stumbled upon this glorious and assistive owners guide. It has more than just your average, run of the mill tips and tricks. It provided my wounded heart and weary spirit with a roadmap to facilitating positive change. In it I found a fresh perspective and countless renewed approaches for talking openly with my cat, sans hesitation. We discussed the errs of recklessness with calculated purr-pose. Sure, we were both hesitant at first... cautious, slightly flustered and embarrassed. Despite the temporary social discomfort this book paved way for opportunity in developing an unfiltered bond of trust between the two of us. We collaborated. We discussed our feelings and experiences. We enlightened each other with the gift of perspective from our own personal lens. My cat now lives each day to the absolute fullest. He helps out around the house, folds laundry, and even makes dinner one night a week. He studied and invested in the stock market, finding a decent amount of success therein. He hasn’t stolen my car or any petty cash from my purse to this date and has yet to watch a single R rated film, insisting he has no desire to ever do so (the only exception being the Wolf of Wall Street). As an additional bonus he managed to convert the neighbor’s cat to Christianity, both of them swearing scout’s honor to a life of respectable celibacy! He also practices mindfulness, meditation and gratitude in hopes to one day land among the monks. Friends, I can now proudly declare that my cat has turned over many a new leaf! He is a positive and astute influence for all, a jovial saint, a blessing with fur—and it’s all thanks to this book! If you can relate in any way to the troubles and tribulations outlined in this review and are for some reason still on the fence about purchasing this book, allow me put your indecision to bed. You will not regret this investment in the slightest. Even if you don’t personally own a cat but know someone that does, buy it. It’s worth every penny to secure this credible, top-drawer reference guide! Educate yourself and everyone you know for the greater good. Don’t wait for your cat to lose another of their nine lives, buy today! Knowledge is power and safety is key, click “buy it now” and grateful you’ll be. All the stars! ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on October 13, 2018 by Lasso The Mayday
    • Do your research
Review Image by Katherine Tschirpke Katherine Tschirpke
Review Image by Katherine Tschirpke Katherine Tschirpke
Review Image by Katherine Tschirpke Katherine Tschirpke
Review Image by Katherine Tschirpke Katherine Tschirpke
I would give this two or three stars but I gave five because I'm not going to punish the seller for my difference in opinion. The product got to me fast and was in great condition so thats great in my book. However, I will give a warning to make sure you do your research on the contents of the book if you're looking for something light-hearted and funny. I purchased for a friend who likes cats and guns. I knew the book had other topics, but wasn't sure how in depth it went. I consider myself more right-leaning. But I did a quick read through before gifting and was not what I expected. Had a lot of heavy Christian undertones that I don't necessarily agree with, ie. Stressing Abstinence, anti gay, etc. I can take a joke as much as the next person and can see the humor in the book. It is written well for cats (but it's not really about cats if you're able to read between the lines). It's definitely heavy in the propaganda world. If you're a devout Christian looking for a book on teaching your kids about Christian topics this book is definitely for you. Though, I think I will be giving my friend a disclaimer when I gift them the book. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on January 9, 2024 by Katherine Tschirpke Katherine Tschirpke
    • Better than expected
I purchased this book as a funny gift for my brother. It turned out to be amazing. There are so many safety topics that are genuine but told in a heartening way. I highly recommend and need to order another copy as our bathroom reader.
Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2024 by Colostate2012
    • The book you didn't know you needed
I don;t remember how I found this book, but I bought it on a whim as one of my husbands advent calendar gifts - he's pure America and we have a cat - and we could not stop laughing as we read some of the passages, it would be a great last minute gift for the animal and gun lover in your life or even a random secret santa gift ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on January 9, 2024 by TEvans
    • Impressed
I was not expecting this to be a full length book on why your cat must know all of these principles. There are some hilarious lines which I have read to multiple people. Each person always asks to see for themselves because "There's no way it actually says that" lol. I bought it for a friend for Christmas as a gag gift, and they plan on displaying it for guests to see and question. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2024 by Isabella Allen
    • Really good gag gift / funny book.
I got this for a family member who likes guns and cats. The book actually goes over points and safety too!
Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2023 by Smitten
    • Hilarious
Definitely keep in mind this has some major religious/anti-devil currents running through it, but as a joke for someone who isn’t offended by that aspect, or just to have out on your coffee table for guests to do a double take and say “wait, what?!” it is amazing.
Reviewed in the United States on January 19, 2024 by AA
    • Important book, taught me a lot about life. Oh, and how to deal with my angsty cat.
What can you do when your cat is being influenced by all the craziness in the world today? Well, this book tells you. Cat scratches, bites, gunfire, drugs, annoying 3am zoomies, etc.? A thing of the past. You will learn, laugh, love, all of life's secrets are inside. With all the insight you will gain you will probably reach enlightenment. You can thank me then :). ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2024 by DT

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