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A New York Times Bestseller! A provocative manifesto that exposes the harms of helicopter parenting and sets forth an alternate philosophy for raising preteens and teens to self-sufficient young adulthood. "Julie Lythcott-Haims is a national treasure. . . . A must-read for every parent who senses that there is a healthier and saner way to raise our children." ―Madeline Levine, author of the New York Times bestsellers The Price of Privilege and Teach Your Children Well In How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims draws on research, on conversations with admissions officers, educators, and employers, and on her own insights as a mother and as a student dean to highlight the ways in which overparenting harms children, their stressed-out parents, and society at large. While empathizing with the parental hopes and, especially, fears that lead to overhelping, Lythcott-Haims offers practical alternative strategies that underline the importance of allowing children to make their own mistakes and develop the resilience, resourcefulness, and inner determination necessary for success. Relevant to parents of toddlers as well as of twentysomethings-and of special value to parents of teens-this book is a rallying cry for those who wish to ensure that the next generation can take charge of their own lives with competence and confidence. Read more
Publisher : Holt Paperbacks
Publication date : August 2, 2016
Edition : Reprint
Language : English
Print length : 368 pages
ISBN-10 : 1250093635
ISBN-13 : 39
Item Weight : 13.6 ounces
Dimensions : 5.62 x 0.92 x 8.3 inches
Best Sellers Rank: #23,253 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #37 in Parenting Teenagers (Books)
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Top Amazon Reviews
Format: Kindle
Backed up with impressive research, data, and personal interviews (if you are reading this on a Kindle, the book ends about 80% to leave room for the footnotes and bibliography), Lythcott-Haims claims we are doing our kids no favors by masterminding their future; in fact, we are doing just the opposite. Overparenting, or “Helicopter” parenting, was something many parents could wear as a badge of honor – proving to themselves and their community that they were great parents by getting their kids into the best grammar and high schools, shuttling the kids to various activities (ones that will look good on college transcripts) and telling them from a young age what they will be when they grow up and where they will go to school (a doctor, at Yale of course). The book is compelling and impressive, as the author takes you through her own realization that she was overparenting her own kids. Most parenting books have left me feeling like I have to do more, while this book not only gave me the license to want to do less, I felt good about it. The book centers on what we already know deep down about parenting, but we allow the “arms race”, as the author puts it, to make us feel we have to do more for our kids or else they won’t be able to compete with their peers. Lythcott-Haims gives valuable advice on how to deal with the community and your own family while adopting this approach to parenting, because in some communities you will certainly be faced with judgment. One of the best compliments I can give is that I have actually already changed since reading this book. Since I’m the first one in my extended family to graduate from college, I really wanted to provide my son with more opportunities. I had to work so hard, do so much for myself, and live on very little money and work hard while going to college. I thought this was awful and wanted my own son to just be able to focus on school. I never fully realized that these struggles have made me into the person I am today –happy and successful with my career. Since reading this book, I have coached my son through making many of his own simple meals (fixing a bowl of cereal has a surprising number of steps), not reacting one way or another when he tells me how he did on a test, and making sure he understands I like my own job and what I had to do to get there. In general, I feel a decrease in anxiety and a renewed hope that everything will work out when you let your kids have some freedom and independence to contemplate who they are and explore the world. There is much evidence to prove to us that there are many paths to success and success should be defined as following your passion and being supported as you do that by your parents. My only criticism is that this book probably only applies to certain communities where this kind of parenting is abundant. I’m not so sure that “overparenting” is a problem all over America- in fact, in many areas where money is tight and there are stressed-out single parents, I’ll bet they wish they had more time and resources to overparent. I don’t think she mentioned that once, that overparenting is a privilege many people don’t have. But that aside, I think this book speaks to many parents and can be a useful tool to help kids rise to their potential – while also allowing the parent to pursue their own dreams.
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Reviewed in the United States on December 18, 2015 by MyHumbleOpinion
Format: Paperback
I learned about this book because it was recommended by the Dean of Student at my son's college. I found it to be a validating and informative read. I see that a small number of reviewers are disappointed with the book. I see great value in this work on a number of levels, but I'll tailor my comments to some of the concerns I saw expressed there. Some reviewers expressed anger at the author's snobbery or hypocrisy, or anger because they felt it offered a pertinent message only to upper class audiences. I have read this and watched the author's TED talks and TEDx talks. It may be that I'm conflating her writing and her speaking, but I didn't watch the TED talks until after I completed the book. I found her to show admirable humility, not hubris, when she talked about her own forays into overprotective parenting. Her care and concern for our youth strikes me as very genuine. I don't know where my family falls on the national socioeconomic spectrum. I think we're upper middle class. I know we live in a moderately affluent town, in which most students enroll in college after high school graduation (no one's touting data on whether or not they remain and complete a degree). I know parents that do their kids' homework and parents that allow their kids to do it on their own. Our family was already operating counter-culturally. We had to sit down with our eldest child's guidance counselor to explain that we weren't concerned about building his resume for all those "Tier 1 schools" she was pushing for him. She was shocked that we had concerns on our list beyond the prestige of the schools at which he might be accepted. I think this book offers value for the time and money for the vast majority of parents. Maybe the college admissions racket isn't a big concern for you and your child if you have other paths mapped out. But here's the thing: your child will be living alongside peers for whom the dynamic she describes has been or continues to be very real. Learning about this reality may educate you so that you know to steer your child away from making a lifetime commitment to one of these parent-directed automatons. You child will live among these directionless peers, so getting familiar with what makes them tick, or even familiar enough to recognize the dynamic at play, has great value. If nothing else, it may help you and your child to identify strengths you didn't even know were strengths, because you thought they were basic skills. I assure you, the ability to talk to someone face-to-face and advocate for him- or herself is unique today. Just last night, I listened as a group of employers bemoaned the lack of basic skills in the pool of candidates for their job openings. This dynamic is real. If you and your child have escaped it, rejoice! But forewarned is forearmed, and reading this may offer insight into just how awesome and employable your child is. I have learned that sometimes we express anger when we are actually feeling defensive. That may not be the case for a single negative reviewer. But if 1,000 people have read the book, I'm sure at least one has reacted this way. This book calls us to step off the competition treadmill. That's a scary-ass thing to do when you're afraid it might mean your kid doesn't "make it." And she does mention that it's not unheard of for us parents to let our own egos get in the way. I think she's actually pretty gentle in her call to common sense, because she acknowledges that none of us "overparent" because we want to screw up our kids. We do it our of care and concern. She pushes us to look at our behavior from another perspective and consider that, in some parenting situations, less is actually more, and more may be too much. The one thing I think she could have talked more about are some of the other reasons that families might write off the big name schools. The Ivies and many other big names are large schools. We knew our children needed smaller communities. She does mention that piece, as the "fit" of the school for a child. But finances should be a big piece of any family's discussion about higher ed. I know many people labor under the misconception that any price is worth that big-name diploma. I have enough experience to disagree. First of all, let me snarkily say that most graduates of "big-names" (I am "Boston Mom." We have a disproportionate number of them in our area.) grow heads too big to fit through doorways. So an obvious negative. ;-) But if your loans for that "big-name" diploma preclude your ability to marry, buy a home, and afford have children so that you can go through the whole darn cycle over again with them, (or whatever you life goals are - students loans can kill so many dreams) what the heck was it all for? To the criticisms that this is applicable to a narrow audience: maybe. But the author wrote about what she knows. As for the frequent references to her professional role as Dean at Stanford, it's common for readers to consume only certain chapters or excerpts of a book. This is valid information, and it has to be offered repeatedly for people that are coming to Chapter ?? cold. Don't you remember how they re-introduced us to Nancy Drew in EVERY SINGLE book - "Titian-haired teenaged amateur sleuth, Hannah Gruen, fabulous dad Carson, athletic friend George," etc., etc. Yes, I found it repetitious. But it served a purpose for some readers, as does the author's numerous introductions of her experience. As I said before I digressed, the author wrote about what she knows, from her field work. Is it the complete story? Of course not. No one can tell you the complete story. If they could, there wouldn't be the plethora of books on the topic that there are. But I enjoy her writing style, I believe her experience gives her credibility, and the message has value whether it's to impact our own parenting or to give us insight into the reality of life for today's youth. Yes, there's a lot about college admissions (again, this is what she KNOWS), and that can help parents in the midst of the search or at the brink of it. But there may be even greater value for parents of 10-year-olds. They're going to hear, before it's threatening because they're afraid that they've already failed their kids, that there are other ways to go about parenting.
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Reviewed in the United States on February 27, 2018 by Boston Mom
Format: Kindle
While this book is aimed at a certain audience, it is definitely a valuable insight into a section of American culture that is useful even for those outside that specific group. As an educator in a school where we too have seen overparenting grow and wondering what is going on, but not being in the parent group at this school myself, this book was helpful. The college section was perhaps the most informative, and was filled with numbers, research, and realities that will hopefully take the pressure off a lot of families. The book was a bit repetitive but the message is urgent and I think we need to be hit over the head with reality sometimes. My only other complaint was that many references were made to a small number of other parenting books, and something doesn't sit right with me when two or three books or authors are quoted so often throughout the text. I was worried in the beginning it would be all anecdote and little research but there are studies referenced on every topic ad there are footnotes and appendices. She is serious about this message and this book is set up to be taken seriously. An easy quick read but lots to highlight and look into later. Even if you know you parent like a human and not a machine and this book might make you furious, read it. Your fury might be taken in new directions and you may come away with some compassion for those caught in the overparenting throes.
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Reviewed in the United States on August 23, 2017 by E Ferguson
Format: Hardcover
The first time I picked up this book, I instinctively hated it. But let me explain. I have spent the past decade managing a major parenting community. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly of American parenting, from the mom who wanted to take a powerpoint presentation into her child's preschool to explain to his teacher why all the class snacks should be only organic, to the couple who tried to keep their daughter from having BFFs in general on the basis that being too emotionally engaged with one person would lead to disappointment down the line. The desire to protect our kids can lead to a serious loss of perspective, which is why we need our fellow parents to talk us down off the ledge. The only thing worse that the excesses of parenting are the critics and experts ready to condemn them for being too involved - or not involved enough. These are the people who, as a group provide parents with bulleted lists of things we should always do or things we should never do. They have opinions on discipline, sleep, food, toys, TV education -- and if we don't take their advice the consequences will be BAD. The problem is, the same items often seem to occur on both lists. So we should feed the kids organic, wholesome, home-cooked food. But we shouldn't obsess about food too much because we don't want them to be *too* concerned about food. You get the idea. So when I saw bulleted lists and practical suggestions all I could think was that it was just more prescriptions and contradictory advice. The book sat on my desk months before I finally read it and I only did that because I was invited to discuss it with a group of friends who were reading it. I couldn't have been more wrong about this book. This is not more useless advise or a condemnation of parents. It is, first and foremost, about what our culture of over-involved parenting is doing to our kids. It doesn't blame parents for doing what, paradoxically, good parents are supposed to do in this day and age - that is to act as advocates and fixers for our kids. Instead, Julie Lythcott-Harris makes a powerful case for changing how we see our role in our children's lives. The central contradiction is that for them to thrive in the world they have to be allowed to try, to fail and learn to trust in their own capacity to meet the challenges of life. They have to do what we have been doing for them - what schools and other institutions have been doing for them - on their own. Lythcott-Harris understands that the problems don't end with us but the solution has to start with us - because we are the only people who care enough to make hard decisions. And let's be honest. The decisions aren't really that hard. We need to have enough faith in our kids to let them rise to the occasion, whether that's learning to deal with difficult people, or how to do practical things like taking responsibility for their own laundry or school work. In short,they need to be allowed - pushed even - to begin the process of managing their lives and relationships. These are things we did when we were allowed to do when we were growing up. If we could do them, so can they. When I read it with a group of mothers, we all came away inspired and excited and passionate and a little relieved that we didn't have to super-human do-it-all parents any more. We exchanged emails about what our kids were now contributing to the household - things like cooking meals or doing laundry -- all things they need to know to function as competent adults. This book is creative, intelligent and doesn't treat parents like idiots. I am so grateful to have found such a great, practical and inspiring book. I hope you and your family will get as much from it as we did.
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Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2016 by Nancy McDermott
Format: Kindle
This should be required reading for every parent. While I am definitely not a helicopter parent, and in fact the gasps I get from other parents over my hands-off parenting style sometimes leaves me thinking maybe everyone else is right and I'm going about being a parent all wrong. However, this book completely reaffirmed my beliefs and actions, and that one of my main priority is to raise my son to be independent man who can confidently make wise choices, even when it feels like it's against the tide. And Ms. Lythcott-Haims explains why that is important not just for our children and for us, but it really benefits our society as well. If you think your child is irresponsible and are even somewhat worried about your adult child never leaving the nest and possibly living with you for the rest of your life, you had better buy this book now. We see more and more how ill-prepared our adult children are when they head off to college or into the world (the excessive alcohol consumption and lackluster performance are just two glaring clues). Their inability to manage through difficult situations has everything to do with how we treat responsibility and consequences as they are in their moving through their developmental years. It's probably pretty scary for many parents to let their kids manage much of their own lives and Ms. Lythcott-Haims isn't suggesting to just turn them loose, but if you don't start loosening the reins now they will never learn how to navigate and manage all that life will throw at them. I have often thought that like most things, this is at the most basic level, all about practice; if children have plenty of opportunities to deal with difficult situations and the consequences of their actions (failure, winning, choices, handling money, etc.), every time they go through it they find that 1.) the world doesn't end and 2.) when something happens again (and it will - that's life), they'll be able to handle it more confidently and effectively. We all want our children to be strong, confident, well-adjusted adults, and Ms. Lythcott-Haims can help you help your child get there.
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Reviewed in the United States on November 8, 2015 by JK
Format: Paperback
To be clear, this book addresses one extreme end of parenting, over-involved or "helicopter" parents. While the author's Ted Talk on the same subject briefly acknowledges the other extreme end of parenting- neglectful or abusive parenting, this is not at all her focus. The author was the former dean of students and admissions at Stanford, and has seen first-hand extreme over parenting and ultimately, the negative effects it has on children as they reach adulthood. Although some of the reviews here imply that overparenting seems to be tied with those with an "upper middle class demographic" or above, I disagree and believe that parenting at either extreme end of the spectrum is independent of class background. Many of us have seen children from struggling parents being over-parented in hopes that they will have a better life than their parents, or on the other hand, heard of or read about children of well to do families who were abused or ignored. The premise of the book is this - parents on the extreme end of overparenting have become their children's concierges, their personal handlers, their secretaries, and there is a negative cost to the child in the long run. The book discusses that at this end of the spectrum, parents are scripting or "checklisting" their children's childhood in hopes that they get into the "right" school, or have the "right" career. According to the author, the underlying fear driving this type of behavior is that their children will have no future if they do not get into one of these select, elite colleges or choose the "right" career. Essentially, parents at this end of the spectrum expect a level of perfection from their children that was never expected of them, and the children bear the brunt of this as adults who can't function on their own in the real world. As the mother of two small children, I see and feel this pressure every day - no longer is it normal for kids to go out on their bicycles and return home when the sun sets for dinner without contact with their parents. The term "play date" is something that wasn't even a word when I was a child in the 1980s. I came home from 5th grade with a key around my neck and started my homework and had a snack until my parents came home from work - today, this would be grounds for a visit from Children Youth and Families. I am not advocating the rise of the "latchkey" kid, or inattentive parenting (by all means, my mother smoking menthol cigarettes in her bathrobe while I ran around the neighborhood all day is on a different level of the spectrum) and neither is the author. What the book does advocate is letting kids engage in free play, not scripting every moment of their lives with enrichment activities, sports, etc. The main takeaways for taking a more balanced approach with your parenting and setting your kids up to have self-efficacy is this: -Free Play -Chores around the House -Allowing children to think, plan, ad experience trial and error for themselves -Don't treat grades, scores, accolades as the purpose of childhood in the hopes of admission to a tiny group of "elite" schools or careers, then that's too narrow a definition of success. -Teach Life Skills -Prepare them for Hard Work -Let them Chart their Own Path -Normalize Struggle -Have a Wider Mind-set about Colleges -Listen to Them I very much enjoyed the different perspective presented by this book, and it certainly opened my eyes to some of the overparenting tendencies I engage in with my own children. At the end of the day, I want to raise independent, productive member of society who can function on their own and not live in my basement for the rest of their lives. This book will help me get back on the right track.
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Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2018 by TwinMom
Format: Kindle
I like many of the ideas present in the book. I'm conflicted about the fact the author chooses to highlight her points, of how to live a normal life, by calling out exceptional people ("The inventor of google glass", etc). These individuals are exceptionally successful: not only do parents aspire to have their children reach those heights, but the author leverages their success as support for her arguments. Yet parents aren't supposed to wish their children are as successful as the industry leaders cited in the book? This disconnect aside, it's a good read with many good ideas on how to help parents help their children.
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Reviewed in the United States on November 25, 2015 by Matthew Beecher
Format: Hardcover
In my opinion, this is the best book ever written about the kind of overparenting that has produced the struggling young adults of the Millennial generation. The mother of two young adults and former dean of freshmen at Stanford University knows what she’s talking about. She’s done her homework; the book cites hundreds of studies, interviews and stories that shock and convince. No other book has so thoroughly identified the reasons for this flawed parenting trend. Parents need to know that by over-managing a child’s path to success, they are making this success impossible. One of the stories from the book comes from Ellen Nodelman, academic dean at Rockland Country Day School, where she has served for over 40 years: “A good half of the kids who could take the bus are driven by a parent. Rather than just drop kids off, parents of younger students will sometimes come inside the school with their kids, and some want to come right into the classroom with them. We try to keep them from coming beyond the main lobby. If they could do what they wanted they would spend the whole day in class with them. We’ve had some ask.” What most parents fail to understand is that their child won’t magically engage vital strengths and skills such as grit, resilience and a strong work ethic, simply because their parents managed to get them into one of the “best” schools. A young adult will display these behavior patterns only if they are practiced and reinforced consistently throughout youth, and this won’t happen if parents are intervening and doing the hard things for the child. In short, helicopter parents may be raising smart adults, but they are weak, indecisive and dependent adults, people in their mid-twenties who still need their parents to be full partners in their success. This is the kind of prospective employee that organizations have no use for. Fully half of her book focuses on what well-intentioned parents need to do differently: - Give kids unstructured time - Teach life skills - Teach them how to think - Prepare them for hard work - Let them chart their own path - Normalize struggle - Have a wider mindset about colleges - Listen to them How to Raise an Adult is a parenting book for our times. If anything can get the attention of helicopter parents and convince them to take another approach, it’s this book.
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Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2016 by Dennis Coates