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Harper Paperbacks

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You ― A Therapist's Practical Self-Help Guide

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Description

A practical guide to better communication that will break the blackmail cycle for good, by one of the nation's leading therapists, Susan Forward. “Breathe a sigh of relief! Susan Forward helps you identify and correct an intensely destructive and confusing pattern of relating with those you love. I highly recommend this important book!"—Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway "If you really loved me...""After all I've done for you...""How can you be so selfish..."Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance.Susan Forward knows what pushes our hot buttons. Just as John Gray illuminates the communications gap between the sexes in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and Harriet Lerner describes an intricate dynamic in The Dance of Anger, so Susan Forward presents the anatomy of a relationship damaged by manipulation, and gives readers an arsenal of tools to fight back. Read more

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harper Paperbacks


Publication date ‏ : ‎ March 4, 1998


Edition ‏ : ‎ Reprint


Language ‏ : ‎ English


Print length ‏ : ‎ 272 pages


ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0060928972


ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 71


Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.4 ounces


Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 8.04 x 5.31 x 0.67 inches


Best Sellers Rank: #54,822 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #39 in Domestic Partner Abuse (Books) #46 in Child Abuse (Books) #80 in Parenting & Family Reference


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Top Amazon Reviews

    • Wow!
Format: Paperback
Wow! This book was eye opening. So many stories were triggering for me.
Reviewed in the United States on September 19, 2026 by Sadie J. Ringgold
    • Worthwhile to read
Format: Paperback
Great book, I bought this because I have a family member that has been a toxic person since I was a child. Happens to be my mother's sister and the amount of manipulation and making your feel guilty and a host of other things she does is ridiculous. She also tries to brainwash my mother against me, some pretty twisted crap to say the least. The book gives all these example stories and I got frustrated thinking "but this doesn't apply to me " keep reading, swear to God you have to. Towards the end it uses all the stories to explain the "why" of these behaviors. It all comes together and makes sense and if you hadn't stuck with it and read all the examples you would be lost. Very helpful book, you may never find out what truly drives their behavior but you will find out how they manipulate and hurt you and what you need to do to stop it. I've since leant this book to my mother in hopes she will start standing up for herself. Because she takes way too much crap from her sister than she ever should. I do not anticipate you will get nothing from this book, you will gain knowledge, but you have to put it to use. Stop taking people's bs. End the headaches, stress and anxiety these types of people cause. Be good to yourself. Best of luck to you all, if you are considering this book OR know someone in a horrible situation. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on August 17, 2016 by Momsspaghetti
    • I'm not a self help person, but this book changes everything for me.
Format: Paperback
I suffered for decades with an emotionally abusive sibling who was masterful at manipulating me and the rest of our family into feeling like all of his meltdowns were our fault. This book help me realize two important things: 1. Narcissists aren't always grandiose. Sometimes they are covert and love to wallow in their misery and drag you down with them. 2. It takes two for bad behavior to continue. It's not my fault that the abuse happened but I did (unknowingly) allow it to continue. Realizing I had to power to change the dynamic of this relationship was incredibly freeing. This book helped me establish boundaries and define unacceptable behavior with my brother. After a period of lashing out (narcissist always go into a rage when you let them know you will no longer give them the response they desire and are used to) my brother finally found other outlets for his issues and we have a much calmer relationship. It will likely never be great because like so many narcissist he is unable to acknowledge his behavior was abusive. But it is at least cordial. I have bought several copies of this book over the years to give to friends and family members dealing with similar situations. Highly recommended. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on March 23, 2026 by minimalist
    • Emotional Blackmailers=Narcissism
Format: Kindle
Great book with really useful/helpful information. However, in most of these cases, you are really dealing with narcissists. Calling it just emotional blackmail is like calling an alcoholic someone who is fond of drinking. If you find that your resonate with many of the examples, do yourself a favor and get more help on narcissism because that it what you are really dealing with. Great books on Amazon and YouTube has some great videos. I like Dr. Ramani for learning all you could want to know about the subject. Giving it 4 out of 5 stars for missing the mark on this vital aspect, imho! ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on September 18, 2020 by M. McKinney
    • Very useful tool for seeing things from both sides.
Format: Paperback
Excellently written. Helped me to put into perspective some of what I have gone though. I am usually the one being blackmailed but until I read this book I had no idea that I myself was applying my own blackmail in my current relationship. It really helps you to see how you might be hurting someone you love just because you are used to reacting to all the things other people put you through. Sometimes we feel pain and have no idea where it comes from so we lash out blindly at those closest to us. You can only change your behavior if you know what you are doing wrong and how you should be handling the situation. I like how this book also doesn't criminalize the blackmailers too much. It makes a point that they are frequently reacting to something bad that happened to them in their past. If your blackmailers are your parents that helps because even as frustrated and angry you might be with them, you will always love them. It is good to know that there is actually a reason why they do what they do and that it really isn't something I did to deserve to treated the way they have treated me. I like that the book explains what you might be doing to set yourself up to be blackmailed. This is something I really needed to know. I borrowed this book from a library but now I am ordering my own copy. Very helpful and I will be rereading this book again. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on June 28, 2011 by Rayne
    • Good life investment
Format: Paperback
I was looking for help in dealing with a manipulative individual in my life. I found this book, and almost didn't buy it, but I am so glad I did. I thought the author did an excellent job communicating what emotional blackmail is, what it looks like in its many forms and what to do about it. I isn't a - cut blackmailers out of your life - kind of book, but it gave me tools with which I could use to negotiate with this person and to set rules of engagement. It helped me see when my emotions were mine and when they were instilled by another and when that was ok and when that other person just wanted to make me do what they wanted. It gives examples of situations, conversations and family dynamics to illustrate and explain emotional blackmail. There were examples of work, marital, parent-child and friendship blackmailers. There were male and female blackmailers and so on. I am so glad I found this book. I have learned great tools to help me deal with my own blackmailers. I feel like I can be more assertive and diplomatic. It was a great learning experience. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on February 7, 2010 by Laura
    • Love this book!
Format: Paperback
After a couple of abusive marriages, I found this book to be spot-on. It has good explanations, even if you just have a difficult relationship with a family member. Easy to read and understand, in my opinion. Bought one for a friend, too.
Reviewed in the United States on July 16, 2025 by Chris Cassel
    • Wonderful Book
Format: Paperback
I've never been a person to buy self-help books. However Susan Forward is highly respected in the world of psychology so I thought I would give it a try. Still, I was pleasantly surprised by how good this book is. The first part of the book explains what emotional blackmail is including explaining when arguments are not emotional blackmail. I expected that part of the book and the last part which explains steps to break the cycle. What I wasn't expecting was everything else, which takes up the majority of the book. She explains the psychology behind emotional blackmailers and why they feel the need to use emotional blackmail. Blackmailers are bad people, they are usually scared and feel helpless. She explains how the target needs to take some responsibility in allowing themselves to be blackmailed and advice on how to change those behaviors that invite blackmailing. I thought that she showed very realistic views on the topic. The blackmailers aren't all bad and the targets aren't all innocent. As she says, "it takes two." Her steps to breaking the cycle were practical and realistic as well. I also really liked that this book did not focus solely on romantic relationships but relationships of all kinds and is more universally applicable. I would highly recommend this book to anyone in a relationship that involves fear, obligation, or guilt in unhealthy measure. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on January 7, 2012 by Kathy Brady

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