Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self
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In this compelling book, Elan Golomb identifies the crux of the emotional and psychological problems of millions of adults. Simply put, the children of narcissist -- offspring of parents whose interest always towered above the most basic needs of their sons and daughters -- share a common belief: They believe they do not have the right to exist. The difficulties experienced by adult children of narcissists can manifest themselves in many ways: for examples, physical self-loathing that takes form of overeating, anorexia, or bulimia; a self-destructive streak that causes poor job performance and rocky personal relationships; or a struggle with the self that is perpetuated in the adult's interaction with his or her own children. These dilemmas are both common and correctable, Dr. Golomb tells us. With an empathic blend of scholarship and case studies, along with her own personal narrative of her fight for self, Dr. Golomb plumbs the depths of this problem, revealing its mysterious hold on the affairs of otherwise bright, aware, motivated, and worthy people. Trapped in the Mirror explores.the nature of the paralysis and lack of motivation so many adults feelstress and its role in exacerbating childhood wrongswhy do many of our relationships seem to be "reruns" of the pasthow one's body image can be formed by faulty parenting how anger must be acknowledge to be overcomeand, most important, how even the most traumatized self can be healed.Rooted in a profoundly humanist traditional approach, and suffused with the benefit of the latest knowledge about intrafamily relationships, Trapped in the Mirror offers more than the average self-help book; it is truly the first self-heal book for millions. Read more
Publisher : William Morrow & Company, Inc.
Publication date : March 28, 1995
Edition : Reprint
Language : English
Print length : 272 pages
ISBN-10 : 0688140718
ISBN-13 : 17
Item Weight : 13.6 ounces
Dimensions : 6.12 x 0.68 x 9.25 inches
Best Sellers Rank: #89,667 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #39 in Popular Psychology Mental Illness Books #72 in Child Abuse (Books) #85 in Parent & Adult Child Relationships (Books)
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Top Amazon Reviews
Format: Paperback
I originally read this book in October of 2024; I can proudly say the effect this book had on my life is still ongoing and profound. This book changed my life. I grew up with an NPD mother and a father with ASPD with some narcissistic traits. My mother has for years firmly rooted herself in a victim narrative ever since reading "why does he do that" in 2008 when she left my father, for years now also never facing her own reality and agency. I paid the price for that being her eldest son. This book absolutely freed me. It helped me contextualize and understand her behavior towards me and my fathers as well, i took away from this book the ability to understand what was done to me. It was like a domino effect, a psychological tsunami, and everything made sense. The positive of this book over others on the subject to is this; it doesn't dehumanize the parents who developed their conditions too from abuse as children themselves. I never understood the other books in the market about narcissism that seeks to paint the perpetrators as evil vindictive masterminds. Often, when looking at the behavior you can tell they have no idea what is going on themselves. I additionally loved the emphasis on describing sabotage behaviors, this was the most profound insight I took in. Lastly, this book does everyone a favor in not gendering NPD behavior, for too long pop psychology books on the subject have done a disservice to women with NPD; through giving no life rafts thrown out to help them identify their own behaviors to seek help. Instead those books instill a victim narrative that becomes many peoples identities and keeps them from reaching out for help. NPD is a real condition that can be treated. This book is a game changer and I am glad to see it gaining the attention deserves even if it feels late. This book was ahead of it's time when it was published.
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Reviewed in the United States on June 8, 2026 by Independence
Format: Paperback
This book is filled with (& triggers) so many insights that I've just finished reading it for the 4th time in as many years. It's a book meant to be absorbed, not just read through once & passed along. Why? Because the impact of having narcissistic parents can be really complicated and there just isn't a single cure for us all. It's definitely not for the "USA Today, CNN, text me the answer, give it to me in 3 lines or less" kind of crowd. That's for sure! This ground-breaking author wrote this still very valid book to help us understand more than the elements of narcissism. She wants to help us figure out for ourselves how being a child of narcissists us through the process of thinking about her examples & stories with newly educated eyes. While I also loved, "The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson (I loved it so much I asked her if I could narrate it for her & I did), this combination of books really gives you the practical & profound explanations & experiences needed to heal the multi-layered wounds & incredibly tangled up defense structures caused by (& truly needed to survive) growing up with narcissistic parent(s). This is more like a workbook deserving of study breaks & profound periods of brutally honest self-reflection. It's true, this isn't a book for those wanting quick, snappy answers. It's for people willing & wanting to do the hard work to mine the priceless treasures from this book. In my experience & those of several I've recommended it to, it's worth the effort in ways that most of us can't imagine possible until the "ah ha's" begin to surface and the hope for emotional well-being is actually felt as a real possibility. Oh, by the way, your vocabulary is going to improve as well, if you're interested in that kind of thing. I had to look up 78 words, most too long for "Words with Friends" & definitely not easy to work into everyday conversation...but a bonus nonetheless. After admiring her for years, I just had a consultation with her last Sunday for a project. I teased her about her amazing vocabulary and she laughed with me about that. I like that in an author. I also believe that anyone who decides to get serious about healing your narcissistic wounds will find your own treasures in this book.
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Reviewed in the United States on July 1, 2014 by Cathryn007Doyle
Format: Paperback
Not too much is written about this subject for some reason. Without difficult (or downright BAD) parents, psychologists wouldn't have much to do all day, but oddly, nobody wants to admit the source of the problem. This author has had the kinds of problems with her parents that she writes about, so often she really nails it when she's describing what some of us have gone through and what kinds of parents we've had to deal with. However, this is a double edged sword, because the very personal experiences which enable her to understand the problem, seem to prevent her from coming up with solutions. Down in the trenches with the rest of us, she doesn't seem to have much valuable advice on how to pull ourselves out of the mess since it doesn't seem as if she's healed yet herself.. A great eyeopener for those who are just starting to recognize their childhood problems, it doesn't give a lot of useable advice for those of us who have been fighting these problems for years and need help.. However, having said that, since this is one of the very few books that deal honestly with a problem that no one else will even admit, it's worth the read.
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Reviewed in the United States on January 16, 2014 by Alexa Porter
Format: Kindle
The first 1/3rd of the book used terms requiring a dictionary to understand, even in context - not a problem for me though, I love learning. But if you really want to understand yourself, your parents or guardians, then you will wade through the first third of the book; it can be hard reading but worth every effort. Decades of trying to help myself understand why I have certain thoughts and behaviors, always running into walls just short of successes, failing at love, with others, and even simple tasks and projects, and using spiritual introspection and meditation to help me understand me, provided so much disjointed knowledge that I may have floundered forever in darkness had Trapped in the Mirror not come into my life through a totally unexpected source. To me it's nothing short of Divine Intervention. The author used a number of clinical examples to detail Narcissistic Personality Disorder with descriptive behaviors that I had previously understood in a round-about way but could not fit the information I had gleaned and learned into any form of comprehensive perspective. All my years of self study provided many answers but the information rolled around in my head in a sort of chaotic jumble until Elan connected the dots. The sudden realization of validation was overwhelming, epiphany after epiphany threw tons of bricks off my shoulders with each page well before I had finished the book the first time. I began to understand things about myself and the behavior of my parents and others that I never considered before. Answers, many answers, that eluded me for a lifetime came into view and the pall of darkness that shrouded my existence suddenly lifted and a light flooded my world. Confusion turned to understanding so clear it was as if Elam's book was a message from God that unlocked my very soul and set it free! Years of emotional pain, anguish, and anger were transmuted to deep sadness with rivers of tears containing every emotion possible, and then compassion washed over me and all I could do was feel acceptance and love, for me, for my brothers and sisters, and my narcissistic parents. A Divine Gift that changed history and is mending long strained family relationships. I am still unable to abide them, my parents, but I am no longer stuck from a personal development perspective, I can move forward and evolve into what I was meant to be. Perhaps one day I will even try to help my parents. But for now, I AM FREE! From the bottom of my heart, Thank You Elan! Raymond
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Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2013 by Raymond
Format: Paperback
During a session with my counselor she suggested I go to a book store and walk the self-help and psychology aisles and "pick up the book that speaks to you". And so I did. After three or four trips back and forth, "Trapped in the Mirror" caught my attention, and the blurb on the back cover told me I'd found it. The book has made a greater contribution to the quality of my life than I'd have imagined. The author presents experiences that make me wonder if she was in the room when my father did or said what she describes. Her familiarity with how narcissism can impact a child helped me find lost memories and restore parts of myself that had been denied (squished) since I was a kid. For me, this book is a page-turner, with each page offering a little more insight. It can be hard to read at times because being raised by a narcissistic parent is painful. But the author does a fine job of shining the light on the pain, which allows healing to begin. If the author herself is still affected by her own narcissistic upbringing, who can blame her? It strikes me as a life-long job to dig yourself out, although it gets easier as you regain the ability to assert yourself with a sense of confidence and (dare I say?) self-respect. I've now given this book to each of my siblings, as well as several of my friends. Not only did it help me take enormous strides toward making myself whole, it also gave me a look at what I inadvertently passed onto my son and (thus) the chance to make it up to him. I've since read many books on narcissism, but this remains the standard for me. While Alice Miller is the noted expert in this field, I find her books more clinical. "Trapped in the Mirror" stepped into my life with ease, and showed me both what was, as well as what can be. I can't recommend it enough.
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Reviewed in the United States on November 22, 2011 by Robin A. Stamm
Format: Paperback
Ms Golomb writes an extensive and detailed discussion of Narcissistic PD from a case study and personal perspective and weaves theory into her discussions. I had just read Alice Millers Drama of the Gifted Child and wanted to learn more about Narcissism especially children of Narcissism. This was an excellent book to do that. I prefer the hard hitting analysis of Alice Miller in DGC but TIM was also quite useful for me. TIM does equal justice to male and female sufferers of narcissistic parents, unlike many books that seem to focus on the female sufferer of the male narcissist. I especially liked her discussions of the negative parental introject but she stops short of carrying this discussion further. The negative introject is crucially important IMO as an ongoing source of chaos and dysfunction for the adult child of narcissistic parent(s). It MUST be understood and managed. It's not just "a lie we tell ourselves" because I'm persuaded that's it's better seen as external mental entity, not a part of ourselves. In truth, methods to understand and manage this ongoing external part of many of our inner worlds is probably best done as a separate book. 'Voice Therapy' by Robert Firestone seems to be such a book, I haven't fully read it yet, just sections. I applaud this book, TIM and suggest it as a top five book for lay readers and professionals about this topic. But I still place Alice Miller at the top of the list. Psychoanalytic and psychodynamic theory seems to be the best at effectively unearthing this weed by the roots. I would also recommend Ross Rosenberg's "Human Magnet Syndrome" as a useful practical tool to understand what drives the tormented dance that a co-dependent and narcissist become truly trapped in. Trapped is the ideal word, because outsiders looking in often say 'why don't you just stop doing that? or why don't you leave that person?' It's not at all that easy. So many of us are indeed trapped and books like these are so welcome in seeing there is a way out.
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Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2017 by Ted
Format: Paperback
Fascinating, tender and encouraging read. Shockingly well-written. There's no passive voice in this book, and that isn't easy to find in any well-written book. If you had a narcissistic parent, this book will speak to your soul. More importantly, it'll help you recover. I highly recommend finding a therapist familiar with narcissism to help you along the journey. My therapist recommended this book when I told her I was reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." I learned through therapy that both my parents exhibit parental narcissism. I couldn't see it, because they're generally kind people to others and aren't into appearances. Now I've learned so much about narcissism, particularly the depth of the spectrum (many Ns are covertly lurking among us, and now I can spot them easier and know how to handle them). This book helped me transition from anger and denial to acceptance, and now towards healing. The author is a brilliant thinker and profoundly emotionally intelligent. I've grown and healed so much through reading this book -- and my process was supported by a great therapist and group therapy, where I'm experientially learning to form healthy boundaries, healthy coping mechanisms, and how to find my adult self to heal my wounded parts). There is hope for children of narcissists. The journey to your authentic self isn't short and sweet, but the ride is made easier by applying the wisdom and guidance in this book.
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Reviewed in the United States on May 27, 2016 by Product Queen
Format: Paperback
I agree with another reviewer that while the material is very illuminating, the author offers little in the way of solutions. I ended up feeling kind of hopeless after reading it, like "Well, here is where you are, good luck getting yourself out of it". It is also noteworthy that the author, herself the child of narcissists, saw no value in anyone's recovery but her own, as her examples pointed out time and time again. These kinds of 'narcissistic comparisons' are further examples of the problem, in my view. An interesting primer, but it will only take you part of the way.
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Reviewed in the United States on February 13, 2000 by Dane Hoover