The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World: Tutu, Desmond, Tutu, Mpho: 9780062203571
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Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner, Chair of The Elders, and Chair of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, along with his daughter, the Reverend Mpho Tutu, offer a manual on the art of forgiveness―helping us to realize that we are all capable of healing and transformation.Tutu's role as the Chair of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission taught him much about forgiveness. If you asked anyone what they thought was going to happen to South Africa after apartheid, almost universally it was predicted that the country would be devastated by a comprehensive bloodbath. Yet, instead of revenge and retribution, this new nation chose to tread the difficult path of confession, forgiveness, and reconciliation.Each of us has a deep need to forgive and to be forgiven. After much reflection on the process of forgiveness, Tutu has seen that there are four important steps to healing: Admitting the wrong and acknowledging the harm; Telling one's story and witnessing the anguish; Asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness; and renewing or releasing the relationship. Forgiveness is hard work. Sometimes it even feels like an impossible task. But it is only through walking this practical, fourfold path to healing from trauma that Tutu says we can free ourselves of the endless and unyielding cycle of pain and retribution. The Book of Forgiving is both a touchstone and a tool, offering Tutu's wise advice and showing the way to experience forgiveness. Ultimately, forgiving is the only means we have to heal ourselves and our aching world.In The Book of Forgiving, you will learn the universal, four-step process for healing pain and finding peace: How to Forgive: Learn the four essential steps for healing―Telling the Story, Naming the Hurt, Granting Forgiveness, and Renewing or Releasing the Relationship.Letting Go of Anger: Discover why forgiveness is the best form of self-interest, freeing you from the chains of bitterness and the cycle of revenge.Spiritual Growth: Draw on Archbishop Tutu’s experiences with South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission to find a path toward healing for yourself, your community, and the world.Healing and Self-Forgiveness: Realize that there is nothing that cannot be forgiven and no one undeserving of forgiveness―including yourself. Read more
Publisher : HarperOne
Publication date : April 7, 2015
Edition : Reprint
Language : English
Print length : 240 pages
ISBN-10 : 0062203576
ISBN-13 : 71
Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
Dimensions : 5.31 x 0.54 x 8 inches
Best Sellers Rank: #26,288 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #204 in Spiritual Self-Help (Books) #337 in Christian Self Help #361 in Happiness Self-Help
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Top Amazon Reviews
Format: Paperback
I discovered The Book of Forgiving in 2021 between my separation and divorce in a presentation on “Learning How to Forgive,” where 1/3 of the quotes came from this book. I have spent my whole life studying the scriptures and learning the importance of forgiveness and attempting to forgive others. But before reading this book, I was doing things and acting in ways that were impeding my ability to heal. Unfortunately, I find most people do not know “how” to heal. This is the first book that taught me “how” to forgive–what works and what doesn’t work. After reading and studying this book, I had actually had the power and strength to heal. It is one of my top 2 foundational books that I read in 2021 on building and repairing relationships–the other book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work–I read about 30 to 40 books a year. Of all the books that I recommend to friends, this book is the most popular among them and caused/created the greatest change with them. I get the most comments on this book on the benefits to my friends. While Desmond Tutu and I are both Christian, and the Christian perspective adds more depth to the book, the ideas and concepts around forgiveness are applicable to anyone. Most of the major religions and philosophies subscribe to these principles of forgiveness. One of the most powerful models for healing is understanding the fourfold path forgiveness cycle and the revenge cycle (page 49). When we experience hurt, harm, and/or loss, we will experience physical and/or emotional pain. What we do next will determine if we enter the revenge cycle by default or intentionally choose to heal. Fundamental to healing is to understand that we are dual beings and the same person is capable of doing both great kindness and good as well as meanness and evil depending on the situation–our humanity. I believe that we are inherently good but we are also capable of doing bad and sometimes awful things at times. We need to recognize this shared humanity if we want to heal and move forward in our lives. Otherwise, we will reject this shared humanity and get stuck and trapped in the revenge cycle, which leads to desires for revenge, retaliation, and payback and eventually violence and cruelty, which continues to perpetuate the hurt, harm, and/or loss. A common tactic in the revenge cycle is “labeling”--characterizing someone as one-sided–especially demonizing someone in an attempt to strip them of their humanity, which is used extensively in politics, media, and social media. If someone uses the term(s), “narcissist,” “narcissism,” “racism,” or any other “-ism,” they are probably stuck in the revenge cycle. Choosing to heal is not about stuffing and suppressing our feelings, but giving them a more effective and proper voice and a less detrimental and destructive outlet. First, we must recognize our shared humanity. Second, we need to tell our story–preferably with details. Third, we need to name the hurt and the emotions that we are experiencing–hopefully with granularity. We can only tame what we can name. Fourth, we need to grant forgiveness–which is NOT reestablishing trust–but a mechanism for us to move one. In granting forgiveness, we need to let go of a better, expected, and/or hoped-for past–unfortunately, it is gone. Fifth, we need to renew or release the relationship. Most relationships can be repaired, usually with appropriate boundaries, but a very few toxic relationships may need to be released and contact with a perpetrator–a person continuing to seek harm–may need to be terminated. If you are very personal with your experiences and feelings, like me, you might struggle with forgiveness and healing. If you are unable to tell your story and name your emotions and hurts, you might just be repressing the revenge cycle, which will emerge at an inopportune time. Been there, done that. You’ll especially need this book. Some of my favorite quotes of the book: “Healing does not draw a veil over the hurt. Rather, healing and reconciliation demand an honest reckoning. For Christians, Jesus Christ sets the pattern for forgiveness and reconciliation. He offered his betrayers forgiveness. Jesus, the Son of God, could erase the signs of leprosy; heal those broken in body, mind, or spirit; and restore sight to the blind. He must also have been able to obliterate the signs of the torture and death he endured. But he chose not to erase that evidence. After the resurrection, he appeared to his disciples. In most instances, he showed them his wounds and his scars. This is what healing demands. Behavior that is hurtful, shameful, abusive, or demeaning must be brought into the fierce light of truth. And truth can be brutal. In fact, truth may exacerbate the hurt; it might make things worse. But if we want real forgiveness and real healing, we must face the real injury.” (page 24) Unfortunately, most people don’t know how to listen and/or acknowledge harm. “How to Listen (page 82) • Do not question the facts. • Do not cross-examine. • Create a safe space. • Acknowledge what happened. • Empathize with the pain.” “How to Acknowledge the Harm (page 108) • Listen. • Do not try to fix the pain. • Do not minimize the loss. • Do not offer advice. • Do not respond with your own loss or grief. • Keep confidentiality. • Offer your love and your caring. • Empathize and offer comfort.” “Perhaps you believe you have already accepted what has happened and forgiven person who harmed you. This is wonderful. In fairness, I must caution that many people, even very spiritual people, try to leap over their suffering in pursuit of their inner peace or their sense of what is the right thing to do. The words of forgiveness are said, but the reality of forgiveness has not taken root in their hearts and lives.” (page 128) This is one of the most transformative books that I have ever read. Reading and following the guidance of this book will liberate your soul.
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Reviewed in the United States on December 27, 2024 by Beloved Esquire
Format: Paperback
This is probably one of the best books about forgiveness I’ve ever read. I’ve used it now multiple times as a Lenten book study for church groups. Rooted in the spiritual and psychological wisdom of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, this book offers a practical, heartfelt, and deeply human approach to forgiveness—one that doesn’t bypass pain but walks through it with grace and integrity. Whether you’ve experienced trauma, betrayal, or simply the small daily wounds we all accumulate, this book offers a process that is both accessible and transformative. Forgiveness is not presented as a quick fix or a moral obligation, but as a radical act of courage and liberation. The stories and reflections remind us that forgiveness is not about excusing harm, but about freeing ourselves from the chains of resentment and reclaiming our own peace. This book is a gift to anyone carrying the weight of old wounds. It doesn’t promise that the journey will be easy, but it assures us that healing is possible—and that love and reconciliation are not naïve ideals, but deep truths we can live into. Highly recommended for readers of all backgrounds—this is not just a book to read, but one to return to again and again.
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Reviewed in the United States on May 27, 2025 by Rebecca
Format: Paperback
This book will take time. At least it took me almost a year to read through. It has required much of me, while at the same time giving so much life. The Book of Forgiving is about the fourfold part of forgiving: telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness, and renewing or releasing the relationship. This is a book that I think I will keep for life. I can see it being a resource for when I am needing to forgive, when I need ask for forgiveness, or forgive myself. These notes are for myself and a way to distill what I learned and remember from the book. It’s a way for me to process what I internalized and have been practicing. At the end of each chapter there are poems, things to remember, meditations, and exercises. The exercises are not a walk in the park and some can’t be done in a day. In fact, I would say that it’s not a linear read. I read the book to cover to cover but there are several pages that I dog-eared to go back to when I have the space in my journey. I’m taking my time, but not too much time. I love this book and the way that it presents forgiveness. I love that it is all about truth. There is not genuine forgiveness, and therefore no genuine healing, without genuine truth. It’s what sets us all free. Read this. It will take emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. It will take time and effort. It may rock your world for a while, but oh the peace. -HBR
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Reviewed in the United States on March 21, 2019 Reviewed in the United States on March 21, 2019 by HBR
Format: Paperback
I ordered this book for my son after completing the Tutu Forgiveness Challenge on line. (Check out the intro video with his daughter. Delightful!) At first I found it almost simplistically silly. But as I continued to force myself to work the daily challenge, I begin to realize this simple little program was having a defined effect upon and within me. Archbishop Tutu in concert with his daughter, Reverend Mpho Tutu have compiled a successful program reflected within the pages of this little book: "a manual on the art of forgiveness—helping us to realize that we are all capable of healing and transformation." The book was born out of the trials of South Africa. Rather than altercations after suspension of apartheid, "this new nation chose to tread the difficult path of confession, forgiveness, and reconciliation." The book takes its reader through four steps of forgiveness toward healing: admitting and acknowledging any wrong or potential harm; telling one's story and witnessing the anguish; asking for and granting forgiveness; renewing or releasing the relationship. Their simplistic method allows the participant --- IF willing --- to look deeply within their psyche, acknowledging their feelings and emotions. At times when journaling what I was feeling, I allowed myself, without judgment, to feel the anger, sadness, joy or happiness I was experiencing. And this little exercise of putting it all down on paper, allowed a tremendous release from these old issues. By the end of the 30 day program, my mental, spiritual and physical health and well-being had undergone a true transformation. For that reason alone I purchased The Book of Forgiving as a gift, hoping my son will choose to release some of the anger bottled within his soul. RECOMMEND PRODUCT. RECOMMEND SELLER.
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Reviewed in the United States on August 5, 2015 by eclecticCritiques
Format: Kindle
Forgiveness is a difficult trait for me to master. I find myself holding grudges towards someone making a snide comment or looking at me funny. There are also moments where I feel that a person has wronged me in more serious ways, and those grudges are even harder to free myself of. These emotions have done me no favors, and I would do well to let them go. But that is much easier said than done. In this book, Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho instruct how to forgive and how to be forgiven. I know that I will refer back to this book when I find myself in dark times. With clarity and powerful anecdotes, the authors delineate what you must do in order to forgive someone in a way that makes sense and is easy to implement. There are tangible steps that one can take to forgive, and the authors lay out those steps in a way that is grounded and understandable. I would not call this book religious at all, but it does have moments of spirituality. These include poems and mindfulness exercises that people can use to help them forgive. None of these resonated with me, but others might find them useful. The core content of this book, though, is down to earth and never once do the authors take a holier than thou attitude (an attitude which Desmond Tutu of all people would have every right to take). I value this book because it gives me the in-the-moment thoughts and actions I must take to forgive, and also gives me answers as to why and how I must forgive. I consider this book life-changing because it can directly act on me to make me a better person. Overall, we need to forgive for our own peace more so than for anyone else. If you find yourself in a place where you have anything from deeply ingrained grudges to severe trauma, this book might help you.
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Reviewed in the United States on January 23, 2020 by Jeet
Speedy delivery. Book was in great condition. Thanks!!
Reviewed in the United States on February 17, 2026 by Sean smith
Format: Paperback
Easy read, great principles to ponder.
Reviewed in the United States on January 31, 2026 by MKC
Format: Paperback
Over the years I've heard the "tsk, tsk, tsk, you must forgive if you want to be forgiven" sermon coming from various pulpits more times than I care to remember. Not once have I heard a sermon telling people HOW to heal the deep wounds of a heart and soul torn and wounded by unimaginable abuses and/or tragedies. Likewise with various Christian commentaries I read over the years. God knows I tried to forgive the way most churches explain forgiveness (by just pretending it didn't hurt or simply stuffing the bad feelings down and never talking about the abuse) thereby completely eliminating the very first step of the fourfold path to forgiveness described in this book. Spiritually, I likely resembled one of those hypocritical white washed tombs Christ railed against, which is ironic because I was actually trying so hard to be a good Christian then. If you are one of those Christians who think the way to forgive is to just instantaneously get over it, ask yourself this. Did the good Samaritan lecture the victim on the side of the road about the necessity of forgiving his perpetrator and then simply walk away? No, he tended to the victim's wounds. Likewise, the authors of this book care for the wounded. Rather than simply taking biblical passages out of context and reciting the typically inadequate, rote lectures on how one should, must, and ought to forgive, they talk about the process of forgiveness. And yes, they use the word "process" because deep, gashing wounds require tender care and may need time to heal. One can almost hear all the shoulds, musts, oughts and or elses as they fall to the floor clanging like heavy metal chains, mercifully releasing wounded captives as the authors tenderly explain how to walk through the grief process and let the great physician (God) cleanse and purify wounded hearts (much like a doctor would cleanse a physical wound instead of ignoring it or slapping a band aid on a severe injury). It can be an excruciatingly painful process, but the authors are right when they say "the only way out of what hurts is though it."
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Reviewed in the United States on June 15, 2015 by Texasgoldengirl