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Devout: A Memoir of Doubt

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“This moving memoir is always attuned to the possibilities of community and spiritual sustenance, even as it refuses to efface the struggles at its core—believing that this struggle, too, can be a thing of beauty.” —Leslie Jamison, author of The Recovering In this revelatory memoir, Anna Gazmarian tells the story of how her evangelical upbringing in North Carolina failed to help her understand the mental health diagnosis she received, and the work she had to do to find proper medical treatment while also maintaining her faith. When Anna is diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2011, she’s faced with a conundrum: while the diagnosis provides clarity about her manic and depressive episodes, she must confront the stigma that her evangelical community attaches to her condition. Over the course of ten years, we follow Anna on her journey to reframe her understanding of mental health to expand the limits of what her religious practice can offer. In Devout: A Memoir of Doubt, Anna shows that the pursuing our emotional health and our spiritual well-being is one single mission and, in both cases, an act of faith. Read more

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Simon & Schuster (March 12, 2024)


Language ‏ : ‎ English


Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 192 pages


ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1668004038


ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 36


Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10.4 ounces


Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 1 x 8.38 inches


Best Sellers Rank: #33,803 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #18 in Biographies of People with Disabilities (Books) #78 in Religious Faith #1,133 in Memoirs (Books)


#18 in Biographies of People with Disabilities (Books):


#78 in Religious Faith:


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Top Amazon Reviews

    • Powerful & vulnerable, but doesn't go far enough
As someone raised in the Evangelical church who has also struggled with my own faith, I was eager to read this book and wanted much more from it. Gazmarian's writing is powerful and vulnerable. It's a heartbreaking yet hopeful story of what it's like to deal with a life-changing diagnosis and of coming to terms with one's faith, but for me it didn't go far enough. Gazmarian experiences great trauma and emotional neglect at the hands of people in her church community and her own immediate family, but stays in the church and does not abandon her faith. Yes, there is doubt, but never to the point of questioning her beliefs in the first place. I wanted to see more critique of the harm caused by the church, especially for those hurting and struggling with illness (mental or otherwise), and I wanted a better understanding of what keeps her devoted to her faith and, in particular, why she chooses to remain in the church. That said, it's definitely a story that will help others with similar experiences feel less alone. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2024 by Janna Maron
    • Its Power Sneaks Up On You
We've come to expect a certain sense of drama when it comes to memoirs centered around mental health, a sort of chaos meets crisis narrative arc. Yet, as I was winding down my time with Anna Gazmarian's "Devout: A Memoir of Doubt," I was struck by a sense of almost eerie calm. It was unusual, really. It was surprising. To be honest, it was a little jarring. It wasn't that Gazmarian hadn't invited me into her world, especially her world of the past 10-12 years after she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Type 2, in 2011. She had. She writes with honesty and vulnerability throughout "Devout." I have read quite a few memoirs dealing around aspects of faith and mental health, a fact partly owing to my own background and partly owing to having lost my wife to suicide. In most cases, these memoirs may be beautifully written but I often find that they center themselves around an almost cosmetic view of faith or, alternately, the trauma and drama of the mental health diagnosis. Both are valuable. Both are necessary. Yet, with "Devout" I am struck by how centered it is around Anna herself. There's a difference and it feels profound. It feels as if "Devout" lays the groundwork for how one should write about mental health and faith, disability and faith, trauma and faith and so on. While there's certainly trauma here and certainly drama here, "Devout" finds its narrative power through the lens of Anna's constant searching for her own life's meaning, for human connection, and for how to reconcile her faith with a mental health diagnosis she was raised being told was an affliction of the spirit. As a paraplegic/double amputee with spina bifida (and a very recent two-time cancer survivor), I resonated deeply with Anna's struggle to balance her deep faith, which is evident throughout, and a diagnosis that doesn't look or feel like the pretty pictures we're sold about what a life of faith will look like. I have been told more times than I can count that my various afflictions are the result of a lack of faith, a spiritual affliction, or I have had people shake their heads at me because I refuse to simply gloss over it all because, well, Jesus. You know? Somehow, Gazmarian paints a beautiful portrait of her faith journey yet an equally honest and beautiful portrait of her journey toward learning to live faithfully with a mental health diagnosis. She shares the struggles with those who don't understand, the joys of experiencing those who do, the poignancy of finding meaningful relationships, and the power of leaning into your dreams despite the uncertainty of them all. I so often finish books like "Doubt" with a sense of melancholy. With "Devout," I experienced the author's highs and lows but also her constant sense of wonder, hope, perseverance, and faith. In fact, I'd dare say that as the final pages arrived I was immersed in an absolutely remarkable sense of faith. The real power of "Devout" sneaks up on you. It's in the days that follow reading "Devout" that you begin to realize how much it has crept into your heart and into your mind. "Devout" may be a memoir of doubt, but it is most certainly an affirmation of love and hope and faith and the glorious imperfections that connect us all. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on March 17, 2024 by Richard P.
    • Coming to Terms with Evangelical Faith
Unlike other memoirs of deconstructing or leaving one's faith, "Devout" offers a compromise. In clear, well-written prose, Gazmarian shares her version of coming to terms with evangelical faith through finding ways to accept what she can from it. Her vulnerability shines through, which makes her story that much more compelling. Highly recommended for readers who are questioning and/or working to unlearn parts of their childhood faith. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2024 by RubyReads
    • Loved this memoir
Review Image by Kyle Horst Kyle Horst
Devout: A Memoir of Doubt by Anna Gazmarian is a raw and honest memoir of her experience growing up in a conservative American Evangelical church and dealing with a bipolar disorder. diagnosis that upends her world. Her story starts when she is in college and receives a bipolar disorder diagnosis after years of unusual behaviors like manic episodes, obsessiveness, and depression. She seeks counsel from trusted church leaders and mentors, only to find that the comfort she hopes for feels trite and unhelpful. As a devout believer, she'd already tried the typical "Christian" ways of handling her illness - prayer, reading the Bible, and advice from pastors - but none of it made a dent and sometimes it made her feel worse. Well-meaning people told her to "cast her anxieties on Jesus!" and "just try to be happy!" Each of these encounters left her feeling unheard, misunderstood, and hopeless. Eventually, she placed herself under the care of a psychiatrist who was able to help her manage her bipolar symptoms with different cocktails of medication. Anna Gazmarian's memoir takes us through her life up to now - through periods of deep depression and inability to function, periods of happiness and love, and her education in creative writing. Her journey is not unique, and it exposes shortcomings within the American Evangelical church system that traumatize and fail people again and again. This book was a quick read that I finished in a day. Gazmarian's story is vitally important and one that is often overlooked or written off by evangalicals. It is easy for someone with a mental illness and diagnosis - or even just a complex problem - to feel dismissed and invalidated by the church. We need more stories like this to show that people can come through such issues and keep their faith in Jesus even if it doesn't look the same as it did before. We need more stories that show us this is ok. I liked how she shared her experiences talking to Christians about her problems and how she felt in those moments. She gave background about various Biblical principles that led her to believe certain things and how her experience of life ultimately forced her to change her approach. I skimmed a lot of the Biblical descriptions because it was mostly things I knew already. The writing was well done, although I did sense some of the manic thought processes in a few areas - but it adds to the authenticity of her story. I think many people will feel seen when they read this. I applaud Anna Gazmarian for her bravery in sharing this open and sometimes heartbreaking tale of her life. If you are someone who has experienced a similar situation or you want to better understand what it is like for a devout Christian believer to face a serious mental diagnosis, then you need to read Anna Gazmarian's memoir. ... show more
Reviewed in the United States on March 17, 2024 by Kyle Horst Kyle Horst

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